GOSSIP FROM THE CITY & COUNTY!

Gossip, rumour, small talk, chatter, scandal; call it what you will. Hard by the Old House in High Town, amidst the nodding cloche hats and polite chink of teacups, Hereford's City & County Dining & Refreshment Rooms remains the "central exchange" of intelligence in the County's VBCW. But what is hard information and what mere gossip? Perhaps only the most seasoned intelligence agents can tell - and there are said to be plenty of such types (of all factions and interests) crammed into our packed and chintz lined tearoom. But part the fronds of that aspidistra, peer through the haze of cigarette smoke, and listen in....

(1). News from the capital - yet another censorship crackdown! HM Government are hunting for the secret printing presses of "Private Parts" magazine and the person of its elusive editor, Mr William Tell. It is said that the special ire of the Government's Chief Censor has been aroused by reports that the magazine has finally obtained full colour photographic proof of Major Strait-Jackett's "course of treatment" in Woolwich following his "explosive end" at the Battle of Wigmore Hall (blogposts passim):

The stitched together remains of Major Strait-Jackett on the operating table at the Special Hospital for Investigation of Trauma, Woolwich. (photo: courtesy "Private Parts" Magazine)

(2). Speaking of printing presses: Colonel Mustard's Memoirs have been published in their full and unexpurgated (i.e. fully illustrated) version within the Liverpool Free State! Well, I never! Copies are bound to be circulating in Herefordshire soon! So that's why we haven't seen Daphne Parker - Boales of late! Any why Lady Edie Minty-Batton couldn't preside at the Flower Show! For all that to be dragged up again by those ghastly Reds, and after all that dear, darling Lady de Braose has suffered....

(3). We shouldn't worry so about Lady de Braose, you know. She's sworn to repair her social disgrace by avenging herself on Comrade Professor Winters - and any snivelling Commie fellow-traveller that dare to stand in her way. Some say that Winters quite "lost his head" when he ordered publication of Mustard's memoirs. Well, Lady de Braose has armed herself with an antique Japanese sword and publicly announced that : "I won't be satisfied until I've taken that head myself"! It was in "The Hereford Times" last week, didn't you see? "A Blow for Womens' Emancipation" - rather a double edged headline, I thought. Much like that Japanese sword, so I hear. And so typical - his mother gave him a nice Christian name like William and now he prefers the proletarian "Bill"! Huh!

(4). And speaking of heads...who would have thought that CBS's Borneo correspondent would have "faked up" that Arrowsmith story! The gall of the man! And there's nothing in all those rumours about the ROF Rotherwas explosion either; no, not at all. Everyone knows that Captain Arrowsmith made off with the reserves of the Bank of England, and buried what he couldn't carry. Handed over all those bearer bonds to the German Chancellor personally, so he did, in exchange for a position within the Reich "commensurate with his talents"! Well, of course, he should have been so much more careful with his negotiations:

Captain Arrowsmith's first English edition of "Nazi Caravan (incorporating Extreme Right Wing Motorhome)"

It can safely be assumed that the former "Colossus of the Herefordshire Far Right" had greater aspirations than a

 second career, based in a suburb of Munich, as a humble translator of Aryan "lifestyle magazines". Sic transit...

(5). Of course it's true. Why, it's said that the Inland Revenue is sequestrating Arrowsmith's assets even as we speak: HM Government is determined to make some kind of recovery! And the King himself is flying to Madresfield at weekends, joining in the hunt for all those gold bars that Arrowsmith is said to have buried somewhere within the Three Counties!

(6). Do you think it's been raining so hard in Munich? We've never known weather like it here in Hereford. Why, the Wye is now so high it's threatening to break it's banks....

(7). So that's why Stokkies Joubert has finally vacated "The Nelson Suite" at the City Arms Hotel! Aunt Agatha heard him say that he was "going on commando again" (although it's quite possible that she misheard, and that Stokkies simply announced that he was "going commando again"). Apparently he and his men are patrolling the the right bank of the Wye all the way from Hereford to Hay....d'you think they are on some kind of flood watch?

(8). Speaking of absentees - following his unexplained disappearance, Captain Arrowsmith's friends and allies are in deepest disgrace! His Chief Scientific Adviser, that notorious Whitechapel scientific tinkerer and hopeless cider addict, Professor Dave Ross (pronounced, in a Herefordshire burr, as plain "Davros") has been banished from Hereford and incarcerated on an island in the middle of Bodenham Lake! There, Viscount Hereford will be able to keep an eye on him from his breakfast table at Hampton Court!

Hopelessly tainted by his association with the absent Captain Arrowsmith and showing all the signs

 of advanced cider addiction, Professor Dave Ross has fallen from His Majesty's grace. After their

 unexpected introduction at the Battle of Bredwardine Bridge and the subsequent copyright

 infringement action by Lord Reith's BBC lawyers, his plans for more 

"independent armoured pepperpots" may now never be realised.

(9). Well, Professor Ross' plans may be one thing, but have you heard about Sir Gilbert recruiting natives? Well, I never! Whatever next! There has certainly been some strange goings-on within the Golden Valley of late! D'you think they've done some kind of rain-dance? Anyway, he can't be himself, poor man, what with all those worries about his relative, Superintendent Ronald Bigsworth-Hill, so cruelly abandoned to his fate by Sir Barrington Patchpole KC's sudden alliance with HM Government and the BUF (blogposts passim).

(10). I hear that dear, dear Sir Gilbert has convened a meeting of his allies at Goodrich Castle. D'you think he's planning a rescue mission for poor Superintendent Bigsworth-Hill? All the senior Anglican commanders are said to be travelling to Goodrich right now....

TO BE CONTINUED.....  

HM GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING:

ADVANCED CIDER ADDICTION

IS BAD FOR YOUR COMPLEXION