Monday 2 May 2022

HM GOVERNMENT FIELD COMMANDERS - AN UPDATED HISTORY

    With the recent capture of Eustace Spode and Staff Captain Maynard at the Fall of Leominster, it's time to reflect once more upon one of the most dangerous jobs in the Hereford1938 VBCW - a Government commander in the field.

    While the Bishop of Ludlow has commanded the Ludlow Expeditionary Force continuously without the slightest hint of trouble (thanks be to God), the Bishop of Lichfield, ditto (hosanna!), Sir Gilbert Hill is consistently utterly victorious (in his own diary) and even Comrade Colonel Professor Winters of the Presteigne Communists has survived long enough to add ever more titles to his name (he is, in fact, the longest serving commander in the Hereford 1938 VBCW), the list of fallen or departed Government commanders is lengthy and doleful.

    So, a peal of muffled bells, please, for the following:

(1). Lord Foy (in hiding): Government C-in-C at the beginning of the Herefordshire VBCW, Lord Foy enjoyed substantial early successes, including the capture of Anglican held Hereford and the detention of the Bishop of Hereford himself, before suffering successive disasters at the First and Second Battles of Foy. He escaped the Government rout at the latter only by shaving off his instantly identifiable moustache and diving head first into the River Wye in an attempt to swim to safety. It is said that he did indeed escape (by punt), but found himself unable to live with his consequent disgrace. He has therefore adopted a new identity and now lives under an assumed name, earning his living as a humble hop picker and agricultural labourer in the vicinity of Leominster. In that capacity, he is presently at substantial risk of being conscripted as a lowly infantryman (or perhaps cook and bottlewasher) into the victorious army of the Socialist Democratic Republic of Bromyard.

(2). Captain Arrowsmith (deserted)BUF Supremo and effective Government C-in-C following the sudden departure of Lord Foy, Captain Arrowsmith strutted to command prominence in a succession of subsequent battles (the Battle of EardisleyThe Battle of Bredwardine Bridge, and the Battle of Bredwarrdine Fords) which (just) contained the Anglicans' attempted advance from Ross on Wye to Hay on Wye in order to capture the whole of the south of the County. Known for his love of behemothic tanks and high technology (planes, "darleks", multi machine gunned armoured motorcycles and converted canal boats) together with a contempt for civilian lives, private property and cute furry animals (particularly dogs), Captain Arrowsmith's BUF forces and "canal boat fleet" enjoyed a last success against a Socialist/Anglican alliance at the Battle of Whitney on Wye before he inexplicably disappeared from Hereford and the Hereford VBCW. His controversial flight has subsequently been associated with the disappearance of the Bank of England's gold reserves and collapse of the pound sterling. There has been much County gossip and speculation about Captain Arrowsmith's fate : having scraped a living for a time in Munich as a lowly translator for "aryan lifestyle magazines", it appears he then moved to Rome and is presently "making fettucine" with an Italian waiter named Guido.

(3). Lord Robert Grover (returned to his estates): Senior Royalist Officer within the County during the early battles of Hereford's VBCW, it is said that Lord Robert "fell into disfavour" with Lord de Braose, HM Government's Lord Warden of the Marches, after intervening in Lord de Braose's enraged attempt to murder the imprisoned Bishop of Hereford. While a re-appearance in Hereford's VBCW cannot be ruled out, Lord Robert has, for the moment, "returned to his estates". 

(4). Major Straitt-Jackett (exploded)Major Miles Straitt-Jackett achieved an early reputation as a masterful VBCW diplomat. It was he who persuaded (the very late) "Cousin Verity" (a supposedly loyal Anglican LDV commander) into a "battlefield truce" at the Battle of Berrington Approaches, thereby saving HM Government from total disaster. He then brokered a treaty between HM Government and Sir Barrington Patchpole KC at the subsequent Battle of Wigmore, thereby administering the first check to Comrade Colonel Professor "Bill" Winters "Red Horde" offensive. But for one small matter, Major Straitt-Jackett may well have been destined to achieve overall command of HM Govt forces. Unfortunately, the explosion of a heavy artillery shell directly on top of his head in the last stages of the Battle of Wigmore did little for his career prospects. Subsequently admitted as an in-patient at the Special Hospital for Injuries Treatment, Woolwich, it is rumoured that Major Straitt-Jackett (or his reanimated and stitched together corpse) is presently on his way back to Herefordshire within the lengthy and slow moving "Mailed Fist" armoured column of the Ledbury BUF.

(5). Commandante Jay (sunk)Commandante Jay, the leader of the (Politically Confused) Spanish Nationalist Monarchist Field Force allied to the BUF in the course of many Hereford VBCW battles, distinguished himself further by finishing second in the County Golf Cup Challenge, and thereafter returned to Madrid for "a triumphal homecoming". Recalled to the BUF colours for the Battle of Wigmore, it is said that the ship carrying Commandante Jay struck an Anglican mine at the junction of the Rivers Severn and Wye, and rumoured that the transport sank "with all hands". The search for Commandante Jay continues, and notwithstanding infrequent alleged sightings suggesting that he may "wash up" in Herefordshire once more, it is very much feared that he has drowned, along with his entire Field Force.

(6). Commandant Stokkies Joubert (captured by Anglicans)A (reputedly very) loveable South African rogue, Stokkies Joubert commanded the "King's Colonials" from an early stage of the Hereford VBCW, taking part in the Battles of Second Ledbury and Marcle Ridge. A constant support for HM Government throughout the VBCW (when not wenching, carousing or "lying in" at the City Arms Hotel, Hereford), Joubert was dramatically captured by the Bishop of Ludlow's forces at the Battle of Winforton Pontoons, and is presently undergoing a course of re-education in Anglican captivity. A potential "prisoner exchange" has been occasionally intimated by the Anglicans, a swap of Joubert for the imprisoned Bishop of Hereford, but there has as yet been no response on behalf of HMG.

(7). BUF Group Leader Giles (shot at dawn): although HM Government have lost a significant number of leaders during the course of the Hereford VBCW (see above), Group Leader Giles is the only one to enjoy the dubious distinction of having been shot by his own troops after a drumhead court martial. Giles originally rose to prominence as the loyal BUF henchman of toady to subordinate of Captain Arrowsmith at The Battle of Bredwardine Fords, there being some suggestion that he transferred to the BUF Three Counties Legion from the Malvern Hills Conservators shortly after the earlier Battle of Bredwardine Bridge. Arrowsmith's initial patronage assisted Giles' rise within the Government command structure. Storm Leader Giles (as he then was) served with distinction at the Battle of Whitney on Wye, before assuming overall command of Government forces following the still unexplained disappearance of his former military mentor, Captain Arrowsmith. It was thought at this time that Giles' influence would wane within the Government command structure; instead, following his stubborn defence at the Battle of Berrington Approaches and battlefield promotion to BUF Storm Commander, Giles' prospects brightened considerably. Joint leadership (together with the allegedly late Major Straitt-Jackett) of the Government assault columns that successfully invaded came to the assistance of Sir Barrington Patchpole KC at Wigmore burnished his burgeoning reputation still further and lead to his rapid promotion, on this occasion to BUF Group Leader. Such new responsibility may have proved too much for Group Leader Giles, or he may have been suffering from the effects of being badly wounded at the Battle of Berrington Approaches; whatever the cause, upon Sir Gilbert Hill's assault across the Wye at the Battle of Winforton Pontoons, the Group Leader went absent without leave, and was discovered in his barrack block perusing Colefax & Fowler catalogues while gorging on strawberrry ice cream. A drumhead court martial organised by Commander Queeg of WYRD Force duly condemned and despatched Group Leader Giles by a hastily formed firing party. He has no known grave.

(8). Eustace Spode, Field Commander, Blackshorts Contingent (captured by Communists) Nephew of Roderick Spode, 7th Earl of Sidcup and Leader of the Blackshorts, Eustace Spode was captured by the Communist forces of Comrade Colonel Professor "Bill" Winters at the Fall of Leominster. It is said that he very personally ensured that Leominster Brewery, which he had so bravely defended, was "drunk dry" before it fell into the hands of the Communists, and rumoured that his subsequent interrogation "in the field" was therefore less than entirely successful. Now completely sober, Eustace Spode has since been interned as a "Prominente" in Shobdon Instructional Centre (aka Professor Winter's Re-Education Camp No.2). 

(9). Staff Captain Maynard (captured, cashiered and condemned to hard labour) North West Regional Commander of Government Forces, Maynard was captured alongside Eustace Spode at the Fall of Leominster. It was Maynard's misfortune to have risen to command prominence after the high point (perhaps the first high point) of Government control of the County. Once, however, Communist forces had broken the Siege of Kington, Maynard's Regional HQ at Shobdon became directly threatened. After the Second Battle of Shobdon (a disaster for HMG), Maynard was forced to blow up his own HQ and retreat to Mortimer's Cross. Having then made informal alliances with "Farmer Roo" and (somewhat controversially) Reichsmarshall Goering (dropping from the sky in the course of an "unauthorised intervention"), Maynard fought a successful holding action at Mortimer's Cross, only to have to adapt to a changing strategic situation and fall back to the outskirts of Leominster. Forced to fall back yet again after another delaying action on the outskirts of Leominster, the Staff Captain refused to retreat any further. Having expended all his available forces in defence of the town, he eventually fell into Communist hands. But for an ironic turn of events, Maynard could have expected to join Eustace Spode in the "Prominente" section of the Shobdon Instructional Centre. It appears, however, that Lord de Braose, Lord Warden of the Marches and Governor of Hereford, was so furious at Maynard's defeat and capture (or perhaps, so desirous of "finding a scapegoat" for his report to Edward VIII and "Prime Minister" Mosley) that he promptly arranged (against the strong protests of Senior Captain Everard, C-in-C Herefordshire and 'mentor' of Maynard's military career) to have the unfortunate Staff Captain "cashiered" and reduced in rank to private soldier (3rd class). As a mere private, Maynard could then be "condemned" by a gleeful Communist tribunal to "hard labour" in the Salt Mines of the Black Hills [note 1], where he remains to this day. Indeed, it is very much doubted whether Maynard will ever see "the light of day" again.

Such historic losses of commander's lives (and/or reputation and/or liberty) pose a significant problem for Senior Captain Everard, C-in-C of Government Forces - few of the Government's senior commanders are now keen to serve "in County" in Herefordshire.

[Note 1] Never heard of the Black Hills Salt Mines? While it is of course true, geologically speaking, that there are no saline deposits beneath the Black Hills, and therefore no salt to mine, that did not stop Comrade Colonel Professor Winters ordering that mineworks be opened, and that fascist prisoners be forced to dig until they found some.

A similar blogpost appeared back in 2018 - see HERE. The list has now been updated to
 take account of recent events, news and "the worst of campaign gossip".

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